Sometimes I don't know what to do.

I just don't know what to do sometimes. What feels like the right thing ends up being the wrong thing. The wrong is the right, up is down, left is right. I feel like I need someone to guide me because I have done it all myself up to here and it usually was the wrong thing that I did. I want someone or something to know what I am talking about, I want someone to understand me for me and not me for what I am supposed to be. I don't always have the right things to say, or the right things to do, but I know what I feel and I know what I should not be feeling. But lately I am feeling the should nots a lot. I have not written here in a while, so here is another entry from my older blog. Actually, fuck it, I don't really feel like posting any of that crap.

What is taking so long.

I am tired of waiting for a fight. I am not scared to fight, I think I am ready, I don't think i am going to lose because I do not have as much experience as others. I am a natural fighter, I have fought all my life. There is NOBODY IN THE WORLD that has the heart I have for this. I just want my chance, I just want one chance just one moment in the ring to prove who I am. I swear if I just get one chance, one chance at greatness. I can feel it all over my body. I can feel it when I train, I can feel it when I sleep, I feel it constantly. I have improved so much this last year, I cut down on drinking, I am almost seeing my kid as much as I want, I am a better boyfriend, I am a better son, I am trying to be a better friend. I was running the other day, in the morning before work and I ran 1.23 miles (I have a counter) and the only reason I stopped is because I had to get ready for work. Shit, not even 3 months ago I couldn't run even a mile. I wake up at 6:30 everyday, run a mile or so, get to work early (I work at a gym,) work out for an hour, change and work till 5, then go to MMA training from 6 to 9 every night. What the fuck, I am almost training as hard as a professional fighter. This is bullshit, when is it my time to shine, when will I get mine? All I want is my one big chance. Just one.

Martial arts changed my life.

Among other things. But I realize that if I was not out training everynight that I would probably be drinking everynight. Going out all the time, partying. I noticed that I barely drink at all anymore.
I have found a new home to train at. The place is called RIMA, and they are awsome, I really think that everything is going to work out there. I am tired of signing contracts hahah. Anyways I have to buy a Gi now, which are really expensive and that shit sucks but o well. We are looking to have me fighting to full time in a couple of months and I will try my hardest to get there. I went jogging this morning early before work, which is a rarity. I am starting to feel alot better.

I just do not get it.

Well today is another fine day in my life. Anyways, we are going to try out this new place tonight called RIMA, Raleigh Institute of Martial Arts. Anyways that is it I guess.

New Place

So Jason (my trainer) has found a new place to train at. I do not know these new people but I do know they have a strong wrestling background. I am glad everyone is putting up a fight for this team and hopefully the team stays together. This reminds me of something I wrote a while back.


A fight, what really is a fight? A conflict may be the more appropriate word to use in the sense. Everyone has a conflict, everyday with almost everything. In my own thought process to try and figure out why I love fighting so much I stumbled across this. I found that a fight is just a laymen's term for a conflict. These days we have seemed to label a physical conflict as a fight, so everything just falls into order with that statement, it's easier, more convenient. I think that is the problem wherein itself, be it internal, external, physical, or a mental conflict, the reason we get to this point is because we are battling with an more convenient, easier way to do something. As I have stated in my previous posts, society is getting lazy, millions and millions have profited off each others laziness. What happened to the days where the man went to hunt and gather food and the woman took care of all the well being of the family? You say we have civilized, we are smarter. Well I guess it's smarter to pay someone for something we used to do for ourselves millions of years ago. Back then it was simple but it meant more, honor, courage, commitment. Back then a handshake was a mans word, and a mans word was his life. Now when we handshake we are just having a mano e mano macho test to see who can squeeze harder. What happened to us? Where have morals gone? I asked myself these questions as I stared in the mirror the other looking at myself in a different light. I used to avoid my own eyes in the mirror; I looked away in shame at the person that was staring back at me. Why? Because I used to take the easy way out of the fight, the "Fuck It" attitude. You know why? Because it was easier, because I was week. Well I am no longer week; I no longer avoid the person staring back at me. I look at myself everyday and know who I have to prove something to. It's not for you, not for my dad, not for Ryan, not for Kevin, not for Ayumi, not for Anna, not for Shi, not for Barney, my boss, my mother, grandmother, the guy next door, not even for me. You know who I , and you should, prove something to, that little fucker in the back of your head telling you to take the easy way out, taunting you, promising an easier way. Sure go ahead and give in to him, it may be easier for a while, but afterwards you feel more and more like you never accomplished anything. Which in turn makes it just that much easier to lose the fight the next time around. But that is just it, your losing, losing the fight every time; do you want to be a loser? If you think about it that is your worse loss, to yourself, because you are controlling BOTH sides of the battlefield, you can make that lazy, uncaring, unloving, bastard side of you lay over like a dog with its tail in it legs and win the battle. Why is nobody doing it these days? Why is everyone so scared to do the right thing? Why have all the perverse creatures of life slithered out from the cracks of the good society and taken control of how we think. Why do we let this happen? Why did I start this trying to find an answer to something and just come up with more questions? You know why? Because I have already pondered these questions, and I would like to share them, I want people to stop and look at what they are doing with their lives; I want to fight for the good, the young the dying. I want people to give respect to those that need it, shun those that are at a loss. A loss of themselves, a loss of us, a loss of anything close to being a productive member of anything. I'm just ranting now, piss off and leave my page before I break your face.

Everything seems against me.

Last night the owner of the building that the MMA portion is in said the MMA side was not bringing in as much money as the Boxing side. So he said he was going to shut it down for a week to see how he feels. I also popped my knee out of place really bad today. I feel like I am always trying to go against the grain of life. I do not get it sometimes. Why do I have to be tested so much? This is really getting annoying. Also I called the North Carolina child support office. They said that they lost my paperwork in the restructure of their department and they would send me new paperwork but I will continue to owe 800 a month. Man I have been waiting for that paperwork since October. I feel like punching shit. O but wait I can't cause they closed the gym. Its a vicious circle.

Well I guess it begins.

So I wanted to start a blog that is going to keep progress of what is going on in my life. I am going to try and write in this everyday. I don't know why I got the idea to start this, I guess I just want to share my struggle I guess. Hahaha I dunno this sucks for a first post. I am sitting here watching tv sick asa dog so yea, I guess this is it.